Hopeless

Monday, 06.23.08 

20dp5dt 

• Beta #4 / Progesterone blood draws: Missed cutoff for same day results. Will have to wait till tomorrow. Bummer! 

• US #2: Saw 1 gestational sac on the screen, clear as day! Measured approx. 4 weeks.

 * Per the tech and nurse, so far so good! As long as my HCG results continue to double…we should be okay. Still no yolk sac or fetal pole, but these are not normally visible until the 5th or 6th week so no material cause for concern…yet. Left the office with a little spring in my step. Maybe miracles do happen!

Tuesday, 06.24.08

 21dp5dt 

Began to feel dull cramps and backache in the morning, which grew increasingly more noticeable throughout the day. “Just gas,” I tell myself.

Went pee @ midday, wiped, and noticed what looked like light pink on the tissue. My heart sank. Stayed locked in the bathroom stall, for what seemed like forever, examining the damn thing for certainty. Blinked several times in an attempt to “clear” my sight, even tried to hold it up to better light in case it was a mere figment of my imagination; it wasn’t. Wiped again – nothing and again – nothing. The sound of footsteps broke me from my daze and I hurriedly finished my business. “You’re fine,” I tell myself “this is normal. You’re still pregnant.” 

I go to my desk and bury myself in work in an attempt to forget what I saw and ignore what I was feeling. 

 At 3 pm, the Nurse calls with the previous days results:

 

• Beta #4: 626 (up from 265) Woot! 

• Progesterone: 11.9 (down from 14.9) Boo.

 

It was good news that my numbers more than doubled; but, since my progesterone level was dropping, the doctor wanted me on oral progesterone (Prometrium) in addition to my Endometrin to increase our chance of sustaining the pregnancy. I was also instructed to return to the office on Friday for a repeat beta and US. And, that was that. I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her for the call.

½ an hour later, I stood up to grab some files on my shelf and felt a sudden gush. I dropped the files on the floor and hurried to the bathroom only to find my worse nightmare staring straight at me — blood. Not a lot – but enough to scare me. I wiped for confirmation – and confirmation, I got. I rushed back to my desk, picked up my belongings and tried to find my boss. She was in a meeting so I sent her a quick email telling her I was bleeding and had to leave. Frantic, I called my doctor’s office…left a message and raced to the car. The cramps were even more noticeable at this point. In the car, the nurse called and told me to head home, stay off my feet, and if the bleeding got heavier and cramps became unbearable, I needed to go to the ER. Otherwise, I was to remain on bed rest and, if I was still bleeding in the morning, come into the office for another US and beta. If I wasn’t bleeding anymore, I was to come in on Friday as scheduled.

I called Hubbs on the way home and sobbed. “It’s over,” I tell him. I just know it. He tried to reassure me but I was having none of it. The cramps were getting more painful and I could feel more blood coming out. The drive home seemed endless. Feeling desperate, I asked Hubbs to pick up my prescription before I got home so that I could take the Prometrium as soon as possible in hopes of saving our pregnancy. At home, I raced to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Though there wasn’t much more blood on the pad than I already saw at work, I felt and heard clots drop into the toilet. I wiped and saw bright red blood on the tissue with two fairly sizeable clots. I continued to wipe and more blood and smaller clots followed. I was having a miscarriage. But then, as quickly as it had begun, the bleeding stopped.

Hubbs and I scoured the Internet for miscarriage information and in each story the amount of blood involved was way more than what I had just experienced. Some people went through 3 pads an hour, others bled for days. Mine was over in a matter of minutes. So, once again, we were given a glimmer of hope. Wanting so badly to believe it wasn’t over, I immediately took a dose of Endometrin and Prometrium and lay still on the couch until I fell asleep.

 

Wednesday, 06.25.08 

22dp5dt

I woke up at 7:30 am and called my nurse to let her know about the clots I passed last night. She advised me to come in at 10:00 a.m. rather than wait until Friday. I was relieved b/c the wait till Friday — not knowing whether or not I was still carrying our baby — would have been pure hell.

The tech that ended up doing the US this morning was the same, nice one who found the sac last Monday. It was so silent in the room you could hear a pin drop. As she stared at the US screen, which was not facing me at the time, I stared at the ceiling and said a silent prayer and underneath the thin sheet covering my lap, I crossed my fingers on both hands. But the silence said it all. I could feel her chest against my leg as she released a huge sigh of sadness. I waited to hear the little beeps that signified she was measuring something – but other than her breath, I heard nothing. She turned the screen towards me and said, “I’m sorry, honey, but I’m not seeing anything anymore.” I looked away and reverted back to staring at the ceiling and simply nodded my head. There were no words to express my devastation. Refusing to look at the screen anymore, I motioned for her to turn it away. She then explained that we would have to wait for the blood results to confirm the loss. I nodded and silently left the room to get changed.

After that, I went to the Nurses station to get my blood drawn. On the way, I ran into the Nurse who said she’d meet me there because she wanted to get an update from the tech first. So, I sat in the chair and waited. When she got back, she was silent and didn’t look me in the eye. I understood. She then took my blood and said she was going to rush it to the lab so I didn’t have to wait until tomorrow for the results. I suppose it was her way of offering condolence. I thanked her and left.

Now I am sitting on the couch, typing this post, trying to make sense of it all. Amazingly, I haven’t cried. Maybe not letting the news of our pregnancy fully sink in really did help me in the end. I feel numb, almost. Only a few more hours before I get the call, which will finally put an end to this hell of a cycle; though, personally I don’t know what the point is. The US showed nothing. Not a single thing.  Isn’t that proof enough? 

Update

Just got the call. My HCG level has dropped to 276 so I most definitely miscarried. Ironically, my progesterone is the highest it has ever been @ 37.5. *sigh* 

So tired, so tired.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

17dp5dt (06.20.08)

So, I had planned on writing this post yesterday but accidentally spilled water on my keyboard, which made all the buttons act all screwy. Whoops! The spacebar was especially effed up b/c it was returning the letter b instead of a space so I couldn’t form any legible sentences. Thank goodness we were still under warranty (2 more days left!) and we were able to score a brand new board! It’s supposedly the newer model, but I personally liked the older one better! This one is way too small & flat and now my typing is horrendous b/c my chubby fingers keep missing the slender keys. Oh well — at least it works! 

In IVF news:

Went for beta #3 yesterday morning and got the call later in the day from my Nurse who said that my HCG levels are still on the RISE! As of yesterday (17dp5dt), the results were @ 265 (up from 106). Woot! The nurse said what I already knew…that, although it is a good sign that my numbers continue to rise, my actual numbers are still considered low compared to the norm – that some people at my stage are already way into the thousands but I also started off low, so it’s hard to compare. ALTHOUGH…I did read somewhere that it’s not necessarily the size of the number that is important, but rather the percentage and consistency of increase over time. So, based on this, I’m doing my best to stay somewhat positive. I also found this handy dandy calculator online which lets you plug in historical HCG numbers to see if you are progressing normally and it appears that my numbers are considered “adequate.” I’ll take it! Better than “inadequate,” right?  

The OB ultrasound, which I had hoped would bring more clarity, was a bit on the disappointing side though. As if annoyed with ME, the tech (not the usual) kept jerking the wand left and right (while inside of me, no less) as she squinted/strained to find something pertinent on the screen. Not to mention, she grumbled about how it was way too early to see anything at my stage and that I shouldn’t have even been scheduled till later in the game. I bit my lip from almost yelling at her, or worse, bawling on the table out of pure frustration because, I mean, what do I know? I was merely doing what was asked of me! Give me a break, lady! SO rude. But, I refrained. In the end, she simply reiterated that it was normal that she couldn’t see anything b/c it was too early, that she thinks she may have seen a very small sac inside my uterus, but that there was not much clarity in the pictures yet to document any solid medical findings. So, all in all, the US visit was pretty much null and void and I’m still left to wonder what the heck is going on with my body. *sigh* 

Before I left the office, the Nurse told me that she knew it was too early to do an ultrasound but that the doctor just wanted to rule out any growths outside the uterine area (e.g. ectopic pregnancy). And, I guess, since the tech couldn’t see much of anything aside from a possible tiny uterine sac…then they can rule that out and now we just wait to see what may or may not develop in my uterus over the upcoming days. Sheer torture. 

I then asked the nurse what she thought of the progression of my numbers so far…and she said that while my results are not quite the norm…“stranger things have happened,” so they want to continue to monitor me and they “remain hopeful,”  as should I. Not much of an assuring statement, if you ask me, but, again, at this point…I’ll take what I can get.

For now, I am to continue my progesterone and return on Monday for yet ANOTHER beta and ultrasound. Oy vey!

In other news, I’ve been cleared to go back to work on Monday since the bleeding has stopped. I’m so dreading going back though b/c I know that I am going to be bombarded with questions about WHY I was out. They know I was out on STD for medical reasons, but I never gave any details and now I have no clue what I will say. I pondered the idea of being forthcoming and just saying that I am pregnant with complications and that the pregnancy may or may not be viable…but, I just don’t know how comfortable I am doing that. I mean, what if it isn’t viable…I certainly don’t want them feeling sorry for me. That would be awful! It would be much too hard to handle and I don’t think I can muster enough courage to put up with that on a daily basis. I’m also afraid that the announcement of my pregnancy may bring about unwelcome congratulatory rejoices and I’m so not ready for that either because I, myself, haven’t fully accepted the news. Can you blame me?

I always imagined myself announcing any pregnancy of mine to my coworkers or to anyone for that matter in the second trimester – when things are more sure and safe. But now, I’m in a position where I feel pressured to tell a lot sooner. I don’t want to lie and if I avoid the questions altogether, I’m afraid of coming off rude. OH, I just don’t know. Suggestions are welcome!!!! Why must everything be so complicated?

Well, I guess that’s all for now. I’m being a good little patient and continuing to take my meds – though it’s increasingly getting harder to psych myself into doing so. It’s just tough not having any answers and knowing whether or not what we’re doing has an actual purpose. Hubby talked to my uterus today. It made me sad and happy at the same time. He’s convinced that the embies take after him…and that they’ve simply chosen to “chill” in a little corner of my uterus for a while…and that they’ll eventually have a growth spurt when they’re ready! I hope he’s right because I want this so much it hurts. I pray that Monday will be a good day. 

Thanks for following along on our journey! More soon!!!

 

 

 

 

14dp5dt: Hoping for a Miracle

Went for my beta this morning and after almost losing my damn mind from all the waiting, I FINALLY got the dreaded message from my Nurse at about 2pm! To my surprise, my levels are RISING. Here is a little recap of my numbers to date: 

 

Beta #0, 8dp5dt (tested early due to bleeding): 37      

• Progesterone: low (no known #)

_________________________________________________________________

Beta #1, 10dp5dt (originally planned test day): 34.7 (slight decline)

• Progesterone: 13 (increased, per nurse)

_________________________________________________________________

Beta #2, 14dp5dt (TODAY): 106 

• Progesterone: 16.2 

The rise in levels has certainly thrown me for a loop because, in all honesty, I was totally expecting my levels to have dropped close to 0 by now. Then again, this cycle has been all kinds of crazy so, I really shouldn’t be surprised. Nevertheless, I’m feeling a bit on the nutty side and have no clue what to think anymore!

The nurse said that although the levels have not exactly doubled, as they would have liked to see, they ARE rising in a “timely manner” (whatever that means). So…I am now being subjected to more waiting…SHOCKER…as they would like to monitor my progress a bit more. I am to continue my meds until Thursday at which point I am to take yet another beta test AND an OB ultrasound to see what the embryo(s) look like inside of me and whether or not they possibly implanted somewhere outside of my uterus. The most common site would be in either of the fallopian tubes (which, I have none of); although, they can also occur in the ovary, the abdomen, and the cervical canal so there is still that chance. *sigh*  

As usual, all of this is way too much to process; but, of course, being the sometimes masochist that I am…I go and research everything and anything on the topic on the Internet and now my mind is completely poisoned with online stories of chemical pregnancies and horrifying experiences of people having to face visions of empty sacs on the ultrasound screen. Ugh. So NOT helpful. Needless to say, I am an absolute wreck and will, no doubt, continue to be until Thursday. 

Anyway, as I was reading up on HCG and Progesterone levels, I found this:

 

General rules often used for HCG levels 

-       The HCG level should rise at least 66% in 48 hours, and at least double in 72 hours.

And…

-       Even pregnancies with slow HCG rises must be given every chance possible because many turn out to be normal.

Progesterone levels

-       A progesterone value less than 15 is probably an abnormal pregnancy of some kind.

And…

-       A value over 25 is probably a normal pregnancy. However, if the woman had ovarian stimulation with medication this value may not be applicable.

 

So, after plugging away at my calculator, I found that this puts me at about 29% behind in terms of HCG, my progesterone is not abnormal but it did not make the normal cut either, AND I did have ovarian stimulation – in a BIG way! So…this means what, exactly??? Hell, if I know!  

I can’t lie and say that I’m not a wee bit happy about my rise in HCG; but I am cautiously hopeful and realistic for the most part. As far as I’m concerned, we are still not in the clear. I’m well aware that this could mean a number of things both good and bad and that it would be foolish to be assured by levels alone. For instance, I read somewhere that the placenta can still release HCG even if the embryo has stopped growing so that alone puts me in check. At this point & for my own sanity, it’s probably best not to get too ahead of myself. Only time will tell. Come Thursday, I will have a lot more clarity…and for the better, I hope. 

My mind is a blur. My heart is a mess. I am scared. I am anxious and, yes, even a teensy weensy bit happy. Eh, sue me. Other than that…same old, same old. Being in limbo sucks. 

Until next time! Here’s hoping for a miracle.  

THANKS, as always, for your thoughts and prayers.

 

 

Birthday Shout Out

Couldn’t let another day go by without wishing a belated

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY

to the ABSOLUTE best dog ever!!! 

WE LOVE YOU, Niki!

When it seems too good to be true…

it normally is.

How I wish I had better news to report, but sadly – our elation was short-lived. 

My HCG level today has not risen but actually decreased from 37 to 34.7, which is more than likely indicative of an upcoming/early miscarriage. The nurse said that it does not look promising; however, the doctor still wants me to remain on my meds until Monday for my 3^rd and possibly last beta this cycle in the miraculous chance that my levels increase between now and then (yeah, right). Albeit slim, there is supposedly a chance that my embryos are merely slow to respond.

Ugh. Why even bother trying to sugarcoat it? I just want this torture to stop already. Enough doses of false hope, please. It is more hurtful than helpful, don’t they realize this?

Just imagine, for the next 4 days I am to stay on bed rest and continue taking progesterone in vain, 3 times a day (mind you), in the hopes of saving this “pregnancy” when in reality, we all know - that this is over. Still, I must oblige and it will no doubt be tormenting, painful, and a constant reminder of the non-living embryos inside of me. 

Harsh. 

The worse part about all of this is that I was already beginning to come to terms with the failure of this cycle at the first sight of AF; but then, as if I wasn’t suffering enough, I was given a glimmer of hope only to have it snatched away in mere moments. They should have just let me be. I feel like I have been made to die two deaths – except a million times worse. 

For those of you TTC, forgive me for my negativity. By no means should you compare your experiences to mine as every case is different. I am just so angry, devastated, and exasperated beyond compare.

I’m not really sure where we go from here. I doubt that I’ll have any positive news to report on Monday so this will, more than likely, be my last post for some time.

THANK YOU so much for your positive comments and support throughout this cycle. I wish you all the best of luck. 

 

 

OH. MY. GAH.

On Monday morning, I woke up with a lump in my throat and a heavy heart. Reminding myself that life must go on despite our bad news, I got outta bed to start my work week, though it was far from easy. In the shower that morning, I fought the tears from falling - a feat I was doomed to fail, but tried nonetheless. Hubby offered to drive me to work, likely because of my zombie-like fashion, and feeling too sad to do much of anything really, I accepted. In the car, I proceeded to call the doctor’s office and left a message on their IVF mailbox to say that I had started bleeding 2 days ago, that it had steadily gotten heavier since, and was requesting to skip my beta on the 12th. How I hoped the answer would be yes b/c to me, testing when I already knew the answer, would be like pouring salt in an open wound. I hung up the phone and felt a sense of finalization. This chapter of our story has come to an end and it was time for me to come to terms with the failure and begin the healing process. I fell silent. Hubbs squeezed my hand and tried to assure me that we’d get through this together. I felt my lip start to quiver so I turned away and gazed out the window trying hard to ignore the devastation in my heart; but to no avail. “I can’t breathe,” I tell him “this is too much. I don’t think I can do this again,” and with that the water gates opened. Tears streamed down my face practically washing off all evidence of the make-up I applied that morning in an effort to look “normal” to my awaiting coworkers. 

Once there, I took retreat in my cubicle and buried myself in files and paperwork wanting to avoid all contact with anyone. By midday, I had stained over 20 tax returns with tears. Pathetic, I know, but getting myself to work that day was an accomplishment in and of itself. My phone rings and I see on the caller I.D. that it is the doctor’s office. I cringe. Not too long ago, I used to jump to answer their calls, this time though, without even thinking twice, I let voicemail do the honors. Feeling jaded and resolute, I don’t even bother checking it until a few hours later. When I did, I hear my IVF nurse say,”Call me - as soon as you get this - we need to talk about the bleeding. Please continue taking your progesterone and vitamins until we talk, okay? But call me.” Little did she know that I had already stopped taking all meds the day before when full flow started. I didn’t think there was a point plus it seemed too similar to last cycle. I’m sure she was probably saying that b/c she was thinking it may be implantation bleeding or whatever; but, with the amount of bleeding I was having - I ruled that theory out. I call her back and tell her this. She asks me how heavy the bleeding was exactly and I explain that it had pretty much been like a normal AF, for the past 2 days, if not heavier. She sighs and says,”Well, listen - I know the symptoms all point to negative, but I still want you to come in tomorrow morning and do a blood test. I know you don’t want to, but this way we’ll know for sure.” “But I’m still bleeding pretty heavily,” I tell her. “I know, she says - but, please come in anyway.” Too tired to argue, I comply with her request and make an appt. for 7:30 am the next day. Hubby picks me up from work a couple hours later and I gripe to him about the phone call. “I don’t want to go,” I tell him. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want,” he says “but, might as well go to close our case out and maybe schedule a follow-up with the doctor.” Beginning to get frustrated with him too I say, “Sure, whatever.”

So, this morning I wake up to the same lump in my throat. The alarm blares in my ear and I bury myself under the covers wishing I had dreamt the past few days. “Ugh. I’m not going,” I say to Hubbs who is lying beside me. He hugs me and agrees. So, I get on my cell to call the office and left a message to cancel. I felt a huge sense of relief after doing so - knowing that I didn’t have to subject myself to more torture. Thirty minutes later, though, my cell rings…the doctor’s office again. Great. Thinking it was just going to be the receptionist calling to re-schedule, I pick up. It ended up being my Nurse. *gulp* I felt like a child about to be scolded. “I was told you cancelled?”she says. “Yes, um, I’m not feeling well,” I say. “Listen, I know you’ve already thrown in the towel on this cycle; but, please, I’d like you to come in as soon as you can today. I know you think it’s  a lost cause - but, I need to give you the benefit of the doubt. IF you are pregnant and you want any hope of it being viable, you need to come in.” I sigh out of frustration. “Fine.” I say. “I’ll be there in about an hour.”  

I get to the office and sit in the waiting room. I want to run. I scan the room and find a couple, holding hands, with big smiles on their faces and realize that they are exact carbon-copies of us pre-ET. What fools we were. The last time I was there me and Hubbs were SO excited and hopeful. Today I was the exact opposite. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. To calm my nerves, I pick up a magazine on the chair beside me and, wouldn’t you know it, of all the magazines…THIS was the magazine I chose: 

WTF?! This is just a cruel joke, I say to myself. I about threw a fit. Wonderful. Just lovely. Even a meth addict can get pregnant before me! I roll my eyes, fling the magazine back on the side table and feel my knees begin to shake out of frustration. I just wanted to get out of there. A few seconds later, the nurse calls my name *phew* and within seconds, beta is done. I drove, no, careened out of the parking lot and began to feel nauseous - so I took a detour and headed home instead of work.

At home, I closed the blinds, grabbed my big comforter from the bedroom, dragged it with me to the couch, and buried myself beneath it for the next 3 hours or so. When I woke up, I checked my phone for the time and noticed I had a voicemail. It was from the doctor’s office. Weird, I thought, because normally they leave test results on an assigned voice mailbox through their office’s system, which I would have to call and check myself. But, this time, they were calling me directly. Hmm. So, I check my messages and it was my Nurse. “Call me…as soon as you get this, okay? Call me.” “That’s odd,” I think to myself. What could she possibly need to to tell me? For a brief moment, I get a surge of excitement…what if? i mean, could I be pre..? NAH. I quickly slapped myself back into reality. There’s no way! So, I call her back but get voicemail and left a message. She calls back not too long after and this is what she says…”Your beta came back…and it’s positive. Your level is 37, which is still a little low, but then again we tested early.” I pause for what seems like forever and the best response I could come up with was, “YOU’RE JOKING.” “Nope, not joking, she says, “this is exactly why I wanted you to come in because you can never be too sure.” “But, I don’t understand - I am still bleeding as we speak,” I say. “I know, but that can happen with some people. You are certainly not the first. However, your progesterone level is really low probably due to you stopping your meds…so as soon as we hang up I need you to take a dose of Endometrin and 2 other doses later in the day. Also, take your vitamins. More importantly, you are to be on strict bedrest until Monday so call your work and let them know. In 2 days, you need to return to the office for your 2nd beta. Until then - stay off your feet and continue your meds, okay?!” she says. Still in disbelief, “Uh. Okay,” I say “see you Thursday.”

What the??? SHOCKED and still in doubt…I go to the bathroom to take a HPT. TWO, to be exact, and I’ll be damned…here are the results: 

 

 

 

Craziness, I tell ‘ya. I really don’t know how to feel right now. I want to be excited, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up too high. I’ve scoured the internet for people who have bled during the 2ww and the results are 50/50…so, I dunno. I’m just a great big ball of emotions. Just when I thought it was over. Wow. 

Please keep us in your prayers.

 

6dp5dt

Well, it’s official - AF is here.

Woo-frickin-hoo.

****************************************************************************************************************

Hey God,

Are you there big guy? Long time no talk. Could this be why you punish me? 

My sister tells me that you would never give me anything that I can’t handle. Have I not proven my strength to you yet? How many more tests must I endure, God, before I am deemed worthy in your eyes?  I have taken each one of the obstacles you’ve thrown my way head on. Does that not amount for anything? I know you’re busy with countless people who are in far worse states than I; but I wonder if you’ve ever watched me at all. 

I don’t know how much more I can take. I am bruised, broken, and so very tired.  What is it that you have planned for me? 

I miss my Mom. How lucky you are to have her up there with you. You took her away from us too soon and I’ve been angry with you since. Perhaps that is why you continue to shun me; but, if you would, just this once, let me feel her presence today. See, I’m having a really tough time down here & have never felt so lost in my life. I need her more now than ever.

Thanks.

Rochelle  

 

 

 

4dp5dt

WARNING TO ALL TTC and IF-ers. If you are looking for some sort of inspiration from this post, STOP now. Severe negative attitude ahead.

Since the transfer I’ve had…

Cramping. Sweating. Moodiness. Headaches. Fatigue. Acne.

All classic symptoms of AF, if you ask me! *sigh*

Yes, I’m aware that these same symptoms can also be attributed to the progesterone I’m taking; however, I know my body and it’s unlikely the reason.

Caved and took a HPT this morning – BFN. I guess I just wanted to face the pain head on; rip it off like a band-aid, if you will. Hubby didn’t want me to test – I did anyway because I couldn’t get rid of the bad feeling tugging at my gut. He thinks that the BFN is due to it being too early and because I used the First Response brand (a leftover from last cycle). He can keep making excuses if he wants; but, I’m no fool.

To top it off, CM this evening was tinged a VERY light pink. I’m not even going to trick myself into thinking that it was some sort of implantation bleeding b/c mixed with all the other symptoms – it would be a miracle if it were. If my gut instincts are right, AF should be here in a day or two. Lucky me. I get that I should stay positive – but what good does it do me to keep my head in the clouds when it’s so apparent that this cycle is yet another failure? I’m not as strong as some of the other bloggers on here. I admit it. I can’t be all rainbows and butterflies all the time nor can I immediately start planning for the next cycle. It’s too hard. I can’t even breathe when I think of having to start all over again. I’m so tired and drained and hanging by a thread. I’m all out of vacation days and it’s only June… worse, I’m forgetting all signs of life outside of the IVF realm. 

Hubby remains in denial. I hate that. Some of you may think it noble of him to be ever so hopeful – but it angers me that he won’t even consider the symptoms as possible negative signs. I keep telling him it’s over but he refuses to believe it until AF comes or beta results are in. I called him foolish. Still, he says he’ll keep the faith for the both of us even though I have already given up all hope. Bless his heart because mine’s already broken. 

I didn’t want to take my Endometrin after the sight of pink today but Hubby made me take it. So I did it to appease him but with resentment in my heart. I was angry b/c I felt like…what’s the point??? 

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. It’s not like this will be beneficial for any of you TTC and, for that, I’m so sorry. I’m just so angry.

And to frickin’ AF… if you are on your way – just come already and stop the madness! 

Ugh.

 

**********UPDATE: 5dp5dt***************

Woke up to more pink spotting.

 

 

Kids Say the Darndest Things!

So, it’s silent in the room and Christian & I are both reading on the couch when, out of the blue, he says:

Mom? What’s a ba-dunk-a-dunk?

LOL!!! What a goof ball.

 

 

Embryo Transfer, Check!

ET was today, minus an excruciatingly painful experience of an excessively full bladder (ugh), it went ok. I wasn’t able to stay reclined for the 1 hour that they needed me to after transfer b/c I was literally in tears, about to burst! I think I may have made it about 25 - 30 min. before I caved and went to the bathroom. Pretty sad, I know. Now, I am extremely paranoid that I might’ve peed the little guys out. The nurse assured me it wasn’t possible though and that the lying down was really only a precautionary step - but, still…I’m worried.  

2 blasts were transferred: grades 3AA and 3B-B-. 

We did, however, get the disheartening news that none of our remaining embies made it to freezing stage.*sigh* We went from 21 to 2 - just  goes to show how rocky this IF ride can get. Dr. Z said that all we really need is one and that the two that stuck around are awesome! I hope he’s right.   

I’m trying to stay positive but my confidence has fizzled a bit since retrieval and, overall, it’s hard not to have flashbacks of last cycle. In the meantime, Hubby is doing a good job at trying to keep my spirits up. He wants this baby so badly - I can see it in his eyes.

I’ve been combing through other blogs trying to find some success stories for inspiration - to remind myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; but, I keep coming across unhappy endings that I am even more scared now than ever; therefore, I think it’s only best to ease up on the blog reading for now. 

I go back for my beta test on 6/12, which means 10 more days of waiting, wondering, and dreading a visit from AF. Time will surely drag.

So, I guess that’s all for now. It’s bed rest for me until tomorrow and I’m back to work on Wednesday where I have lotsa work waiting for me. Oh well, hopefully it will be a good distraction from testing too early. 

to be continued…